i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
