I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
