Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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