so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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