uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
