i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
