i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i love accidental penises.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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