My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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