she woke up with a sticky ear
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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