You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
