I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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