I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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