I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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