Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
