Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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