I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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