I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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