When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
