I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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