i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
All I want is dick and wine.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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