I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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