Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
