it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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