Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
She needs sedatives and a leash
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
