At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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