She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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