I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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