i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
