Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
