I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
