I faked an abortion last night.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
