you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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