Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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