JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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