Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
