I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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