i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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