Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
