Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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