wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
