my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
