I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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