and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
