I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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