if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
