genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
