There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
