i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
