Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
