Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
