the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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