Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
