I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
