I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
