I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
