we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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