seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
