God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
