He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
